that old feeling, again

the holidays are upon us...after Halloween it seems to be all down hill. the next couple of months 'moosh together and blur the holidays between them like a big smudge.

My mother's family (the side i know best) is not what could be known as traditionalists. we are more going through the motions than vying for religious meaning. i have yet to have a traditional anything. well, that's not entirely true still every holiday has lost its true meaning (sorta).

no holiday is complete without Tequila

over the years, my views of holidays have changed. mainly since i'm on the other end of the whole ordeal. im planning, paying and panicking thus, i hate the holidays. never thought i would be one to say it but i do. i can be lumped into the group of getting the holiday blues. in the history of my family, i can not recall a Norman Rockwell kind of holiday. to me, holidays are just an excuse to spend money, gorge ourselves out our ideal pant size, and drinking ourselves to oblivion.

i remember one Christmas like this
growing up

i can almost see why my mom drudged through them granted she half-assed it. growing up, we really didn't have much money but somehow my mom made things work. we didn't know any better so we were excited and happy, till we did know better and well things got dicey.

so, back to thanksgiving.

last year i made a turkey

thanksgiving is the next holiday on my list. its a crappy holiday since i hate to cook but like to eat, on the other hand, i love to experiment with food but its just an excuse for me to to try something new and passive aggressively irk my mother. this years turkey is gonna be cooked in champagne (my totally favorite alcohol).

and a ham

as traditions go, we have a turkey (usually dry) and my gramma prepares her usual stuffing, from scratch and memory (i am one of the few that is not a fan of her stuffing, this has almost gotten me excommunicated). there is also an array of food that is a staple, fruit salad is one that i always associate with Thanksgiving. of course, there are pies of all different flavors even pumpkin (another dish i dislike). and side dishes galore, since my grandfather's passing no one has attempted to make candied yams (yuck).

once again i have taken it upon myself to make a turkey and a few other items. my mother, (another non-fan of cooking) finds it a relief that she will not cook this year. she usually has a hand in helping with the stuffing, because it takes everyone to make gramma's stuffing. even i have helped (still dont care for it).

so, what is my beef with the holidays? 

after rambling away about thanksgiving i haven't gotten to my point. i hate getting off my lazy ass, period. but now i feel an obligation to do so, if not for the sake of my taste palate for the sake of my little crumbsnatcher. i don't want her to feel as indifferent about the holidays as i do. my mother never cooked a turkey as long as i remember and Christmas was all about getting the tree up and counting down the days till we could open presents (another tradition that my mother's family has instilled).

so why so bummed?

Karma had it in for me
when she blessed me with a child

well, thanksgiving is less of a hassle than the others. it really only requires cooking and eating and cleaning and if you are lucky drinking followed by bickering and a possible massive hangover come black Friday (another holiday i dont participate in). but when people start getting ready for Christmas earlier and earlier each year it makes me want to take a holiday from the bullshit.

i once resented Jehovah Witnesses for not celebrating holidays but now i think they are onto something or could it just be laziness?? im not sure but it's looking tempting. i would love to give up the holidays but the public mainstream wont let me and on top of it all my crumbsnatcher's birthday lands on one of my few fave holidays.

New Year's Eve. 

happy NEW YEAR!!

as a result, i have to go through the motions celebrate the inane holidays i despise and show my crumbsnatcher that there is something to celebrate. but i don't have to be traditional about them though, I am pagan after all.

man of the house

My mother and I have developed a bit of an unorthodox relationship. The oddness of the situation is in the nature of it, which has caused me to entitle myself the man of the house.

There are 4 generations of women living together.

we have been living under the same roof for nearly 5 years.

My mother and I have a strange relationship that has manifested into something quite different.

We're just repeating the cycle.

Like my mother before me
and her mother before her

Simply put, we argue; not like mother and daughter but more like an old married couple. I associate most of the tension to the fact that I'm the more liberal one of us. Both of us would rather the other cook. Plus, I get flack because I rarely help with the dishes. My mother does the bulk of the grocery shopping but hates doing it and I’ve yet to figure out a solution for this. I, at times, am asked to pick up something from the store on my way home from work.

Being that I work, it impedes my time with my daughter thus my mother has a hand in raising her. While she would rather keep her grandma status, she often complains about my parenting skills and time management. I am expected to enforce rules, teach her manners and establish a routine. Moreover, I have been saddled with the role of disciplinary. Kind of what I was raised to believe was the role of the father.

Don’t rule out the male variable in the household.

My father’s line of work causes him to be out of town more times than not. I have come to believe his frequent absence and lack of diligence has attributed to the occurrence of my mother doing everything around the house and home. I am merely enabling her with things she can not accomplish on her own.

To get things in perspective, my mother is petite in stature;
I am at about 5'3" and a bit broader in size than her.

Whenever there is some task that requires strength, endurance, height or in general a "man's" touch, my mother asks me to do it or possibly help her accomplish it. Many of the tasks she asks me to do or “help” with I attribute to the type of things you would normally ask a man to do i.e. my father.

To name a few things I’ve done. I have:

Hell, I even hang the lights each year.

• opened tight jars,
• reached for what is out of reach,
• lifted and hauled heavy objects,
• moved several types of furniture,
• uprooted weeds and over turned earth,
• arranged and removed brick paths,
• helped corral farm animals. 

My mother wonders why I have a bit of a complex.

Being mistaken for my brother
doesn't help my self image either

I chalk it up to vanity. Being I’m the taller or the two, I have been asked to place or reach for an array of things for various reasons. Albeit, I have grown accustomed to doing a lot of the heavy lifting around the house to include my daughter. I dread hearing my mother asking: Will/can you help me with something? Because, it usually entails moving something heavy or cumbersome. And as time has passed, the jars are now just placed in front of me to open; I actually find this gesture amusing.

Daddy Dearest: from the eyes of Daddy’s little girl

always rough 'round the edges

My father is a sore subject.

No matter how fast I try to run away from the situation or how hard I try to hide the facts, I come face to face with the source of many of my troubles. I can’t help but feel bitter when I hear people praise their dads. I find it even harder to stomach someone else praising my own father. To say the least, my father was lacking in his department as “dad”.

Father’s day is a tough holiday to acknowledge let alone celebrate. My father may not have been the worst but he defiantly was not the best. He’s a functioning alcoholic with the need to work. He lives his life with very little regret. My father is brash and loud and comedic. Yet, he is stubborn, opinionated, outspoken, harsh, and self serving. If words hit harder than fists, my dad was good at hitting your self-esteem below the belt.

esa mi'ja!

Daddy loved me best, or did he?

It was once casually said because of the lack of my father’s attention I would seek it out in other men. I pushed those sentiments aside, yet they remained in the back of my mind manifesting into a tumor. For a time, I ignored the problem.

The stages of my life have my father imprinted in it and has made it difficult for me to progress emotionally. As a child, like most little girls, I praised him and worshiped him. He was amazing and handsome. He was my dad and I was his little girl. Nevertheless, time has a way of tarnishing things. Things slowly came to light and I began to see him for who he really was and not the man I had imagined. I came to realize how much influence he had on me. It was hard to accept how he was able to screw me up without even trying. Looking back, I can see the emotional waste land left in my troubled wake.

How bad could it have been?

andale cabrones!

It was rough. It was easy for him to praise me then quickly insult me. After the age of 12, I completely lost respect for him. The blinders had come off and my blind faith was no longer there. By 14, I was pretty ashamed of him and vowed never to allow any of my male suitors near him, if I could help it. I hardly ever spoke of him and rarely spoke to him. Many friends believed my parents were divorced; I found myself wishing that were the truth. My father was hardly there. It was said, “Even when he is here, he isn't here.”

"if you cant handle a horse,
you can't handle my daughter"

My father worked out of town and was gone weeks at a time. I referred to him as a part-time dad; it was like my dad had his family for the weekends and certain holidays. At first, I would anticipate his arrival, like the migration of birds. Soon, I was wondering when those pesky birds were leaving so I could get on with my day to day life.

my dad's best friend

My mother may have tried her damnedest to incorporate him in our lives but it backfired on her. In my case, I resented him. Somehow, I had indirectly learned about independence and liberation; I didn’t agree with assigned gender roles. A woman was to be respected, treated fair, and to be an equal. Unfortunately, my father was what I bluntly put as “old school” or more accurately: traditional. The world had its labels and you had your place. His chauvinism and bigotry was a thorn in my side, it fueled my distrust. I felt I never needed a man or wanted one for that fact.

If I have become my father’s daughter, then what?

I can’t help but look back and ponder my relationship with him. As far back as I can remember, I recall that our father/daughter bonding was not easy. Given that my relationship with my father has been a strained one, it has taken a toll on me and my views on men in general.

I rarely ever have a kind word to say about my father, to my mother’s dismay. She soon started pointing out every time I had a negative word to say about, sometimes to, him but I replied that he didn’t actually go out of his way to spare my feels either. However, with time, I have found ways to cope with my animosity. Although, I still find it difficult to accept him.

i once thought i had an Electra complex

I admit to harboring a lot of negativity, animosity, and hard feelings towards this man. And, I know damn well my father will never change. Begrudgingly, I realize that I have inherited many of his traits. It’s been said that two people who are very similar are very unlikely to get along. 

Ash Wednesday

missed out on
Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday)

It seems to me every time a religious holiday comes up I consider whether I should observe the holiday or just acknowledge it?? I tend to observe the rituals and not allow for real religious connotation. Yet, I find it constraining, contradicting and all together frustrating.

My mother (who I have now dubbed the NaySayer) pointed out that I really have no obligation to this religious observance of Ash Wednesday. Granted I hadn't received ashes for several years now; I did observe the ideals behind Lent, predominantly the fasting. She further, pointed out that this should not affect me, being that I no longer “practice" Catholicism. True, I feel I am no longer bound to the rituals or rights of a catholic, adding, that I have no real interest or faith for that matter in any Christian based religions. Still, I questioned myself to a point of sever doubt and contemplation. Had I been brainwashed for so long my unconscious mind still feared the retribution of turning my back on Jesus or God for that matter?

Remember that thou art dust, 

and to dust thou shalt return. 

Genesis 3:19

Over the years, whilst studying and soul searching, I’ve found where several of the Christian holidays overlap with that of its pagan counterpart. And my brother, the Realist, reiterated how cultures affected religions over time. Alas, Ash Wednesday didn’t actually have a pagan tie. Yet, it is strategically mapped out leading up to Easter all which coincides with the Spring Equinox, Pass Over and has something to do with the full moon, sort of.

As I searched, I come to find out Lent is a time of repentance and self-denial. Obviously, I wasn’t wrong to feel this was a time of sacrifice and penance. So, combined with the New Moon, I claimed that this Lent I would deny myself many of my indulgences in hopes to better myself. 

Obligating obligated obligation.

when i was younger, i had this strong yet strange warped sense of obligation. there were certain things i felt i had to do. not 'cause i wanted to; if only that it was expected of me. looking back at it all, i have to say i may have been pretty full of myself and not many would disagree. i came off looking quite smug and self-righteous but it didnt stop me. i really felt they were just trying to pull me down, which many were, while others were just quick to criticize me for their own gain.

my obligations lay in three main areas

Keeping up with school: i was a fairly model student. i attended classes, turned in my work on time, and participated in extracurricular activities. still i will admit to being a average student never really striving for excellence. mediocrity was where the bar was set and it stayed there, as far as knowledge goes because i had a head filled with other fantasies that couldn't be bothered with being smart just educated. why did i go to college then? to focus on my dreams and still mediocrity was the key.

what an awkward mess i really was

Keeping my nose clean: staying out of trouble or more accurately, not getting caught. even more fittingly, not breaking the law. i went against the grain with this one. i tried hard not to fall under the pressure of my peers yet at times i caved, usually at my advantage.

I only look sweet and innocent.

i did things that my peers scoffed at.
FOR EXAMPLE:
sneaking out of the house,
not revealing exactly who i was with,
underage drinking,
heavy petting and sporadic groping sessions,
and least i forget my occasional unwarranted brushes with MaryJane.

but that was small time compared to what everyone else around me was doing. i was quite proud of the fact i had rarely been caught and had honed my skills at omitting the truth, till i realized i shouldnt be so smug.

Two sides of the wHole
© Copyright Jacqueline M. Pytyck, 2009-2011

Keeping my Religion: thats one part faith and two parts morality. as stated above i had my reserves about what was in the name of fun and what was right out dumb. so, for a long time i was a practicing Catholic. shocking i know. but i went to church and tried to hold a moral regard. it all went into the crapper shortly after i had a brush with death (not my own) and their scrutiny, i then realized my own hypocrisy. so basically, i am no longer a practicing catholic or hold any real ties to christian based theology. i still hold on to my one part morality but even that is skewed.

Now, after years of an oppressed way of thought and a fear of crossing the proverbial society, my obligation is no more out of duty or loyalty. it has manifested purely out of guilt. none the less my sense of obligation steams from only one thing which in turn is what has shaped me all these years, my mother. winning her esteem was what fueled most of my ambitions. unfortunately, it is at a loss fore i no longer strive to win her attention or approval; i chose to demand it. Folks that doesnt work and the selfish, inconsiderate part of me i tried to deny existed has surfaced. i deny she really exists yet she comes out lashing at times and has brought a vicious circle of disregard and spite.

the skewed view

so what has changed since my youth? not much really. i still feel a strange non-discerning obligation to many things, but what has changed is my life. it has become a little more complicated. Still, im reckless and unconcerned. i really dont care about much else except one thing.

after all this, what of obligation? where does it lie, an apt word ...lie. no longer is it obligating, it is now a sense of responsibility or more appropriate, guilt. two-thirds of my actions are then driven by one part guilt, one part responsibility and two parts love.

but for whom? my mother, yes the guilt part covers it. but, it is for Serendipity Fate, the one part of me that may or may not one day grow to discern me or disregard me. the whole of my obligation lies in her future now, not mine.

The times are a changing... or are they?

So, i had a moment of strangness. it started with my encounter w/ an ex who found me on FB. i recall more bad than good or try to, just to fuel my animosity. n-e-wayz. he was quite the thirfty bastard  (& thats putting it nicely). turns out he still is, me well i still spend money like water. which segways us to my moment of "AHA!" if people spend money like water why do we hit pay dirt when we get  money? further more, what happens when money can no longer be frivolusly spent like water when we finally come to realize the water shortage. will pay dirt make more sense? (u see what i did) now for  a last reflection. i've noticed a trend. there've been at least three exs that have been money driven. one was cheap as hell. another was always looking to make a quick buck. and the last turned on me  when we became "friends" stating i only used him for his money. now i come to realize how i came to miss trust men. not to mention that is how my father showed affection. but thats another story.

the Midnite Madness

Here i am after deliberating a whole day with life's every distraction and just plain laziness. i accoplished almost nothing because of a nagging issue at the back of my mind. i hadnt posted this week and it was already the middle of the week. here at the middle, middle i am fianally ready to spill some thoughts and put down some words.
I was originally inspired by some negative aspects of my life. mainly where i live. it got me thinking and writting. it took a life of its own, i felt it needed its own spotlight so i may finally be adding a third blog.
so what turned it all around? the little hope i do have. bittersweet as it is, she is the light at the end of the tunnel. as i take stock and re-evaluate, she is the best thing i have.
I'm past 30, single, and in a rut. despite the cards i've been dealt ive yet to fold. i share my life, what little i have and a queen size bed with my lil' savior to be known as Serenidipty Fate.
in conclusion, you cant enjoy the sweet without the sour so serve it up straight.

the Late Late show theme by @CraigyFerg

It’s hard to stay up, it’s been a long, long day
and you got the sandman at the door.
But hang on leave the TV on and lets do it anyway.
It’s okay! You can always sleep through work tomorrow.
Okay! Hey! Hey!
Tomorrow’s just your future yesterday.

One of the top theme songs, you gotta love the message it sends. 

the Shallowness of Being

so i have come to the conclusion that i am a shallow, careless being.

why? do u ask.

Well, because i have been handed possible happiness and found myself quickly becoming bored with it. i care not for stability or security. just a fanciful notion.

it seems as if, pursued, i may possibly find constance but it frightens me. i want the fairy-tale like air of things. i foolishly strive to find happiness in fantasy or just i don't want to feel that i have settled for the common good rather than what stirs in my heart. is that soooo wrong??

i believe not. how can striving for love and admiration from a personal perspective attractive mate? i want all that I want, not what others per see as what is good for me or could be right for me. they do not know or understand my inner longings and others just watch, judge and assume.

Here i contemplate what real love is, was or could have been. i have had many lovers, courters and admirers to which have failed, fallen out of my favor, or just bored me with their nonsense, accusation or just plain disregard for my feelings. Some have just come across my path at an unfavorable time, moment or phase in my life.

looking back at them i wish to have had a second chance, knowing well enough that there is no real looking back or changing anything. we grow, mature, change. Opportunity is lost and things happen for their own twisted reason. i can only look back and try to learn from what i had disregarded or discarded in a foolish or cruel manner.

i have revisited these past lovers and courters to remind myself of what i decided. alas, i have not found the answer to what i seek. "haven't found what i'm looking for".

so on a pleasant note. as jaded and cynical as i have become toward the male species, i still remain a idealistic, hopeless romantic at heart.

and if none of this makes any sense... it really shouldn't, the matters of the heart rarely ever do.

Quote from Blink

Just my phone number. not a promise, not a guarantee, not an IOU. Just a phone number.

Sally Sparrow and Billy Shipton

Doctor Who "Blink" (2007)
more quotes, have fun.

LIfe according to Mozie.

Didnt really put much thought to what he would say but i found it clever. Now revisiting it, he's quite profound.
into the mind of mozie:
The reason for time is so that everything doesnt happen at once. - Einstein
Life is more managable when thought of as a scavenger hunt as oppose to a surprise party. - Jimmy Buffet
Fate has a way of putting in front of us that which we most try to leave behind.
(so true)
There are many things of which a wise man might wish to be ignorant.

Doesnt he have way with words. 

One more time to be sure

So now i can fill u in onall that bangs around in my head at anytime anywhere. whats to stop me from spilling my guts. try and stop me world. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

be prepared for the unknown.

So now im mobile...the fear should set in soon.

day two

so now i have spent several hours designing what i feel my blog should look like. I feel quite content with it ... for now. so on to what's next.

this week will be a trial week to see how to get this thing works. so bare with me while i experiment. i want this to be a weekly thing but since i have the option to add more different themed blogs, i may add more for each mood, idea, hell format and forum. so stay tuned as i explore my options.

Next up: fiddling with mobile posts.

2011: new year, new me, new blog!

ever walk into a room and trip as you make it passed the thresh hold? well thats i how i feel today.
i told myself that i would allow for change and try not to fall into my old routines, habits, vices or negativity, which is a tall order if im gonna cut out my vices. so this is suppose to be the year of change. start the decade on the right foot. well, i didnt. sorta. i stumbled at the door. but here i am starting what i hope is an outlet. a new blog. i kept putting it off. and with everyone mentioning that we are at a reset 1-1-11, i guess i can take do over.
so, i stare at my computer while i listen to the my music at random. digging to be relivant while only scracting the surface. the only thing is im still quesy from ringing in the new year. feeling down because i lost my cat. yet i want this to be the year i reinvent myself. that i follow my calling as a writter and this blog is my attempt to be more down to earth while still spitting out frivolty.
the path maybe unclear from this point but the direction is fairly set and im heading that way. im setting a goal and as resolutions go, it may fall flat before the month is over but i am determined to perserver. and i may just get where i set out to go. so here goes something. just hope you all read what i have to say.