so i have come to the conclusion that i am a shallow, careless being.
why? do u ask.
Well, because i have been handed possible happiness and found myself quickly becoming bored with it. i care not for stability or security. just a fanciful notion.
it seems as if, pursued, i may possibly find constance but it frightens me. i want the fairy-tale like air of things. i foolishly strive to find happiness in fantasy or just i don't want to feel that i have settled for the common good rather than what stirs in my heart. is that soooo wrong??
i believe not. how can striving for love and admiration from a personal perspective attractive mate? i want all that I want, not what others per see as what is good for me or could be right for me. they do not know or understand my inner longings and others just watch, judge and assume.
Here i contemplate what real love is, was or could have been. i have had many lovers, courters and admirers to which have failed, fallen out of my favor, or just bored me with their nonsense, accusation or just plain disregard for my feelings. Some have just come across my path at an unfavorable time, moment or phase in my life.
looking back at them i wish to have had a second chance, knowing well enough that there is no real looking back or changing anything. we grow, mature, change. Opportunity is lost and things happen for their own twisted reason. i can only look back and try to learn from what i had disregarded or discarded in a foolish or cruel manner.
i have revisited these past lovers and courters to remind myself of what i decided. alas, i have not found the answer to what i seek. "haven't found what i'm looking for".
so on a pleasant note. as jaded and cynical as i have become toward the male species, i still remain a idealistic, hopeless romantic at heart.
and if none of this makes any sense... it really shouldn't, the matters of the heart rarely ever do.
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