Obligating obligated obligation.

when i was younger, i had this strong yet strange warped sense of obligation. there were certain things i felt i had to do. not 'cause i wanted to; if only that it was expected of me. looking back at it all, i have to say i may have been pretty full of myself and not many would disagree. i came off looking quite smug and self-righteous but it didnt stop me. i really felt they were just trying to pull me down, which many were, while others were just quick to criticize me for their own gain.

my obligations lay in three main areas

Keeping up with school: i was a fairly model student. i attended classes, turned in my work on time, and participated in extracurricular activities. still i will admit to being a average student never really striving for excellence. mediocrity was where the bar was set and it stayed there, as far as knowledge goes because i had a head filled with other fantasies that couldn't be bothered with being smart just educated. why did i go to college then? to focus on my dreams and still mediocrity was the key.

what an awkward mess i really was

Keeping my nose clean: staying out of trouble or more accurately, not getting caught. even more fittingly, not breaking the law. i went against the grain with this one. i tried hard not to fall under the pressure of my peers yet at times i caved, usually at my advantage.

I only look sweet and innocent.

i did things that my peers scoffed at.
FOR EXAMPLE:
sneaking out of the house,
not revealing exactly who i was with,
underage drinking,
heavy petting and sporadic groping sessions,
and least i forget my occasional unwarranted brushes with MaryJane.

but that was small time compared to what everyone else around me was doing. i was quite proud of the fact i had rarely been caught and had honed my skills at omitting the truth, till i realized i shouldnt be so smug.

Two sides of the wHole
© Copyright Jacqueline M. Pytyck, 2009-2011

Keeping my Religion: thats one part faith and two parts morality. as stated above i had my reserves about what was in the name of fun and what was right out dumb. so, for a long time i was a practicing Catholic. shocking i know. but i went to church and tried to hold a moral regard. it all went into the crapper shortly after i had a brush with death (not my own) and their scrutiny, i then realized my own hypocrisy. so basically, i am no longer a practicing catholic or hold any real ties to christian based theology. i still hold on to my one part morality but even that is skewed.

Now, after years of an oppressed way of thought and a fear of crossing the proverbial society, my obligation is no more out of duty or loyalty. it has manifested purely out of guilt. none the less my sense of obligation steams from only one thing which in turn is what has shaped me all these years, my mother. winning her esteem was what fueled most of my ambitions. unfortunately, it is at a loss fore i no longer strive to win her attention or approval; i chose to demand it. Folks that doesnt work and the selfish, inconsiderate part of me i tried to deny existed has surfaced. i deny she really exists yet she comes out lashing at times and has brought a vicious circle of disregard and spite.

the skewed view

so what has changed since my youth? not much really. i still feel a strange non-discerning obligation to many things, but what has changed is my life. it has become a little more complicated. Still, im reckless and unconcerned. i really dont care about much else except one thing.

after all this, what of obligation? where does it lie, an apt word ...lie. no longer is it obligating, it is now a sense of responsibility or more appropriate, guilt. two-thirds of my actions are then driven by one part guilt, one part responsibility and two parts love.

but for whom? my mother, yes the guilt part covers it. but, it is for Serendipity Fate, the one part of me that may or may not one day grow to discern me or disregard me. the whole of my obligation lies in her future now, not mine.